Still thankful?

I weighed in today and I still haven't lost a pound. "I've been killing myself for days!!!" as what Romy White (Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion, 1997 film) said.

No carbs. Running. Working Out. What else do I do to lose weight?

Anyway, I should just move on with my THANKFUL list:

-a great "date". I think I charmed my way through it. You know how it feels when you walkaway and you feel you've nailed the job interview?

-a great haircut.

-a great run at the gym treadmill and a workout after that.

-the kimchi that I made turned out well.

Did i just say 'forever'?

When so many shitty things happen in one's life, amidst all the frustration and broken dreams, it takes  an experienced hopeful like me to look at the better side of things and still be thankful.

I am so glad I advocated this during my lunch hour to my work mates, this thank-you list, like a yoga instructor, otherwise I would be giving up this habit formation after only two entries as I am having 'one of those not so good days'.

Here is my list for today:

- the fact that I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person and meaning it...on that rainy, drunken night. Most of the time, I regret the things I say or do when I've had too much to drink. And believe you me, it ain't pretty, those things I've done... *shudders*

But this, I don't. And I'm not even sad that he changed the subject right away when I said it. It was just so him. It was just so "us". That's exactly the type of response I wanted. I feel that I am sure I want to. But I'm not sure what would have been my reaction if he said, "Let's do it!". I would have completely freaked out and drove my car over the bridge and swam far and away. I mean, "I just wanted to let you know how I feel! I'm still scared of totally committing!!!"

I love those moments.

-forgetting to put the chunk of dark chocolate in the fridge. It's so much better in room temperature.

-being able to run today. :) I am thankful I have healthy, injury-free legs.

-my friend who had found the girl for him. We went out the other night and we got along with her. I just hope it lasts. But at this point, I can say that I am really thankful they found each other.

-at Jollibee in Dapitan across UST, I got to have 2 breast-part spicy chicken for my two-piece chicken meal. They normally would have one breast part and the other is a teeny tiny leg part.

-being able to talk to an old colleague on the bus ride home from graduate school. We used to share our heartbreaks to each other back in 2008. It's been four years and being able to talk to her made me realize how far we've come and how much we've grown. Plus, she looks great!

-Sunday nap times. I really appreciate them. Everytime I lie in bed after arriving from church and having our Sunday breakfast, I breathe a long sigh and curl up in bed like a baby. Wow. You can't have that when you are married and have children, can you?

-I am thankful I was able to make music which I love and believe in. I listened to my "Gabi Na" album and the sound and themes still ring true today. It's like I was able to preserve a part of me in those records in a way no journal or diary entry could.

Let there be light

Thankful for: 

- what our cook served for dinner. Monggo soup with ampalaya leaves. Served hot. Didn't taste so good because of the bittertaste but I know it's heart healthy. 

-that friend who shed some light on me in a dark bar. He told me that I keep blaming external forces for my frustrations, when in fact I should be changing what's inside instead.

-my work lunch buddies who take the edge off on a busy day. 

-that it rained today so I didn't get to run. I guess my body needed to rest after running three days straight. Watched my Oprah DVD instead.

-lying in bed and just hanging out. 

Grateful

So today I got to receive my Oprah DVD's in the mail. It has six discs which feature highlights of the show.

One thing that left a 'heartprint' in me is that when she told her audiences how she started writing 5 things to be grateful for everyday. That was an AHA moment. She said that after knowing that you're going to have to write a list about those things you have to be thankful for everyday, it will completely change how we live our life and more importantly, how we perceive things. WOW. 

I will now be using this blog to write those things...

Here's my list for today:

- The Oprah DVD's which I'm absolutely enjoying as they give me food for thought, new perspectives and more... Thank you Oprah. I hope I can watch these with mom.

-My willpower to continue on my low-carb diet. I am very proud of myself.

-My car... even though it's quite rundown, I really appreciate how I can use it for a more faster and comfortable ride to work.

-My friends who bring me laughter and affirmations.

-Quiet nights like this.

-How the spots on my legs are starting to clear. I hope they aren't anything serious like what the dermatologist said.

I think that's about it. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. :)

My friend Koko

Koko was given to us a few months back. Cute. Fluffy. Kind.

At first, he had his own cage outside the house. I never really took notice of him or cared about him. Until one super rainy day, I noticed how he was shivering from the rain and thought it was just inhumane to keep him out in that weather. I decided to take him out of his cage, and give him a proper bath so he can stay inside the house.

And so he became my dog after that fateful rainy day. At first, he stayed inside a small box but eventually I let him run around the house and sleep in my room. This was a first as I never really let dogs inside the house, let alone sleep in my room.

He’s such a playful puppy. He’d follow my feet around and never wiggled out of my grip when I hold him. He'd just stare adorably and then continue jumping up and down as I let him go.

He lies around and “observes” as I do mundane stuff in my room. Watching TV. Eat. Playing games on my iPad.

Although he’d suddenly get all excited when I would start doing my workout. That’s the time when he’d think of my feet as an opponent as I exercise. He’d playfully try to bite it and I swear I can still picture him in his stance as he stares at my feet as it does sprints in the room.

Every time I arrive from work, he’s such a doll. He's my "something to squeeze" because of his cuteness. Someone who’s awaiting for my arrival. Someone to keep me company.

And then I woke up today with a sorry text from my mom saying she ran over Koko when she was driving out of the garage.

Koko’s dead. It took a couple of tears before it sank. I know it was an accident...but I couldn't help but wonder, if only I had left him inside my room that night so that he didn't sleep at the garage.

I wish this was all a nightmare and I’d wake up to find Koko already had made a mess of the newspapers I laid out for him the night before. I knew I've lost someone dear. It felt that way. I never knew I had an attachment with Koko until now.

 Friends say I should look for a replacement. I shudder at the thought.

 There could never be.

Koko

Thanks Koko for bringing me back to life. I was almost completely dead before you came into my life. RIP.

Some kind of daydream

Today I woke up and had this figurative glue from my back and the bed. That glue also got to my eyes, as it was so hard to pull those lids apart.

I stayed in bed and tried to snooze for another few minutes.

Shit, I have to cook myself breakfast. 
Shit, the dog is crying. 
Shit, there's so much to do at work. 
Shit, I have to work out later because I had a few beers last night.
Shit, that feels like a headache.
Shit, I think I need to have coffee. NOW.

And so at five, four, three, two...I'm standing up.

Everyday was becoming more and more of a routine. I'd drag myself to the kitchen and see what the house help didn't cook for me. I was too polite to order her around so I'd end up doing the kinder-level cooking which I'd eat in a flash because it was neither to good to savor nor too pleasing to look at, so I'd just kill that ugly monster on my plate I call breakfast.
My workload in the office was becoming heavy that I found it difficult to start the day ala-Nescafè .

I stayed up late with friends at the bar to talk about plans, plans, plans...and then what?

Is this what they call growing up? Wake, eat, shower then dress up for work? Zombie driving to the office while listening to mindless jazz music on the radio? Taking the edge off everyday with cocktails to cap off the day?

If this was a Hollywood movie, this is the part where the main character begins to become redundant and the viewer wants to just stop watching because it takes too long to reach an interesting plot twist.

Maybe it's the lack of a crush.

I kind of blurted it out over lunch with colleagues. Out of nowhere, I announced, "I literally don't have a crush right now." Two of my crushes turned me off over the past few days because it's either they said all the wrong things or I've accepted they aren't really interested. Butterflies out, in comes the emotional black hole.

Maybe I'm also lacking a crush towards life? A crush towards every day that comes? Am I no longer looking forward? It's the lack of passion. Maybe that's why this chapter of my life is so fast yet so forgettable.

On my usual weekly stop at the gas station, this lady hands over a raffle ticket which I got from purchasing a certain amount. My eyes lit up as I saw the first prize: a ticket to Universal Studios Singapore.

My Singapore trip suddenly flashed before me bringing in a wave of good vibes. I loved that trip. I loved the feeling of being in a foreign land, in a totally new world. I marveled at all the simple things and ofcourse, the great things I saw in Singapore.

As I drove away, I daydreamed about future holidays. Maybe that's what I need. I overheard on the radio that there were some cheap tickets to Boracay available. I imagined myself alone in the beach, gazing at the afternoon sun. Maybe there's a hint of romance on that vacation. Maybe not. Either way, just maybe. The thought of just maybe is enough.

I reached the office parking lot and sighed as I turned off the engine. I opened the door and bursted back into the routine of my life of just-maybe's. I took one last look at my raffle ticket through the windows before I walked towards the entrance.

Daydreaming helps me get through.

Why the long face?

My friends and I just had drinks at Cocktails & Dreams, a bar we usually go to during weekdays. The others decided they wanted to splurge on some fast food before going home, so off we went to the 24-hour McDonald's round the corner.

As he put down his tray, a friend asked me, "Why the long face?"

I looked up at him and didn't realize my expression was sad. I looked sad! Worried. Stressed. Why the long face? The question lingered in my head as I failed to say something witty.

"Come on, man." he started, in his best supporting actor voice. "When I was young, I dreamed up of this life we're living now. We're earning. We can go out any night we want. We're 'bachelors', man!"

He was right. We all have great personalities. We have promising careers. We are young. We had some money. We are healthy. We had active social lives. We take killer pictures in certain angles. And earlier that night, we made plans for physical activities to keep trim: boxing the next day (as one of us is a boxing coach), and then a game of badminton the day after that. We were practically living "the life" we see on TV!

So why the long face?

That night, we took some pictures of our trip at McDonald's and uploaded it in our Twitter and Instagram accounts. I took another look at our pictures and I smiled.

Yes, my job is stressful and keeps my mind occupied almost all the time. Not to mention fears for the future. But I realized then that there is nothing to worry about as long as I have these guys.