Still thankful?

I weighed in today and I still haven't lost a pound. "I've been killing myself for days!!!" as what Romy White (Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion, 1997 film) said.

No carbs. Running. Working Out. What else do I do to lose weight?

Anyway, I should just move on with my THANKFUL list:

-a great "date". I think I charmed my way through it. You know how it feels when you walkaway and you feel you've nailed the job interview?

-a great haircut.

-a great run at the gym treadmill and a workout after that.

-the kimchi that I made turned out well.

Did i just say 'forever'?

When so many shitty things happen in one's life, amidst all the frustration and broken dreams, it takes  an experienced hopeful like me to look at the better side of things and still be thankful.

I am so glad I advocated this during my lunch hour to my work mates, this thank-you list, like a yoga instructor, otherwise I would be giving up this habit formation after only two entries as I am having 'one of those not so good days'.

Here is my list for today:

- the fact that I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person and meaning it...on that rainy, drunken night. Most of the time, I regret the things I say or do when I've had too much to drink. And believe you me, it ain't pretty, those things I've done... *shudders*

But this, I don't. And I'm not even sad that he changed the subject right away when I said it. It was just so him. It was just so "us". That's exactly the type of response I wanted. I feel that I am sure I want to. But I'm not sure what would have been my reaction if he said, "Let's do it!". I would have completely freaked out and drove my car over the bridge and swam far and away. I mean, "I just wanted to let you know how I feel! I'm still scared of totally committing!!!"

I love those moments.

-forgetting to put the chunk of dark chocolate in the fridge. It's so much better in room temperature.

-being able to run today. :) I am thankful I have healthy, injury-free legs.

-my friend who had found the girl for him. We went out the other night and we got along with her. I just hope it lasts. But at this point, I can say that I am really thankful they found each other.

-at Jollibee in Dapitan across UST, I got to have 2 breast-part spicy chicken for my two-piece chicken meal. They normally would have one breast part and the other is a teeny tiny leg part.

-being able to talk to an old colleague on the bus ride home from graduate school. We used to share our heartbreaks to each other back in 2008. It's been four years and being able to talk to her made me realize how far we've come and how much we've grown. Plus, she looks great!

-Sunday nap times. I really appreciate them. Everytime I lie in bed after arriving from church and having our Sunday breakfast, I breathe a long sigh and curl up in bed like a baby. Wow. You can't have that when you are married and have children, can you?

-I am thankful I was able to make music which I love and believe in. I listened to my "Gabi Na" album and the sound and themes still ring true today. It's like I was able to preserve a part of me in those records in a way no journal or diary entry could.

Let there be light

Thankful for: 

- what our cook served for dinner. Monggo soup with ampalaya leaves. Served hot. Didn't taste so good because of the bittertaste but I know it's heart healthy. 

-that friend who shed some light on me in a dark bar. He told me that I keep blaming external forces for my frustrations, when in fact I should be changing what's inside instead.

-my work lunch buddies who take the edge off on a busy day. 

-that it rained today so I didn't get to run. I guess my body needed to rest after running three days straight. Watched my Oprah DVD instead.

-lying in bed and just hanging out. 

Grateful

So today I got to receive my Oprah DVD's in the mail. It has six discs which feature highlights of the show.

One thing that left a 'heartprint' in me is that when she told her audiences how she started writing 5 things to be grateful for everyday. That was an AHA moment. She said that after knowing that you're going to have to write a list about those things you have to be thankful for everyday, it will completely change how we live our life and more importantly, how we perceive things. WOW. 

I will now be using this blog to write those things...

Here's my list for today:

- The Oprah DVD's which I'm absolutely enjoying as they give me food for thought, new perspectives and more... Thank you Oprah. I hope I can watch these with mom.

-My willpower to continue on my low-carb diet. I am very proud of myself.

-My car... even though it's quite rundown, I really appreciate how I can use it for a more faster and comfortable ride to work.

-My friends who bring me laughter and affirmations.

-Quiet nights like this.

-How the spots on my legs are starting to clear. I hope they aren't anything serious like what the dermatologist said.

I think that's about it. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. :)

My friend Koko

Koko was given to us a few months back. Cute. Fluffy. Kind.

At first, he had his own cage outside the house. I never really took notice of him or cared about him. Until one super rainy day, I noticed how he was shivering from the rain and thought it was just inhumane to keep him out in that weather. I decided to take him out of his cage, and give him a proper bath so he can stay inside the house.

And so he became my dog after that fateful rainy day. At first, he stayed inside a small box but eventually I let him run around the house and sleep in my room. This was a first as I never really let dogs inside the house, let alone sleep in my room.

He’s such a playful puppy. He’d follow my feet around and never wiggled out of my grip when I hold him. He'd just stare adorably and then continue jumping up and down as I let him go.

He lies around and “observes” as I do mundane stuff in my room. Watching TV. Eat. Playing games on my iPad.

Although he’d suddenly get all excited when I would start doing my workout. That’s the time when he’d think of my feet as an opponent as I exercise. He’d playfully try to bite it and I swear I can still picture him in his stance as he stares at my feet as it does sprints in the room.

Every time I arrive from work, he’s such a doll. He's my "something to squeeze" because of his cuteness. Someone who’s awaiting for my arrival. Someone to keep me company.

And then I woke up today with a sorry text from my mom saying she ran over Koko when she was driving out of the garage.

Koko’s dead. It took a couple of tears before it sank. I know it was an accident...but I couldn't help but wonder, if only I had left him inside my room that night so that he didn't sleep at the garage.

I wish this was all a nightmare and I’d wake up to find Koko already had made a mess of the newspapers I laid out for him the night before. I knew I've lost someone dear. It felt that way. I never knew I had an attachment with Koko until now.

 Friends say I should look for a replacement. I shudder at the thought.

 There could never be.

Koko

Thanks Koko for bringing me back to life. I was almost completely dead before you came into my life. RIP.

Some kind of daydream

Today I woke up and had this figurative glue from my back and the bed. That glue also got to my eyes, as it was so hard to pull those lids apart.

I stayed in bed and tried to snooze for another few minutes.

Shit, I have to cook myself breakfast. 
Shit, the dog is crying. 
Shit, there's so much to do at work. 
Shit, I have to work out later because I had a few beers last night.
Shit, that feels like a headache.
Shit, I think I need to have coffee. NOW.

And so at five, four, three, two...I'm standing up.

Everyday was becoming more and more of a routine. I'd drag myself to the kitchen and see what the house help didn't cook for me. I was too polite to order her around so I'd end up doing the kinder-level cooking which I'd eat in a flash because it was neither to good to savor nor too pleasing to look at, so I'd just kill that ugly monster on my plate I call breakfast.
My workload in the office was becoming heavy that I found it difficult to start the day ala-Nescafè .

I stayed up late with friends at the bar to talk about plans, plans, plans...and then what?

Is this what they call growing up? Wake, eat, shower then dress up for work? Zombie driving to the office while listening to mindless jazz music on the radio? Taking the edge off everyday with cocktails to cap off the day?

If this was a Hollywood movie, this is the part where the main character begins to become redundant and the viewer wants to just stop watching because it takes too long to reach an interesting plot twist.

Maybe it's the lack of a crush.

I kind of blurted it out over lunch with colleagues. Out of nowhere, I announced, "I literally don't have a crush right now." Two of my crushes turned me off over the past few days because it's either they said all the wrong things or I've accepted they aren't really interested. Butterflies out, in comes the emotional black hole.

Maybe I'm also lacking a crush towards life? A crush towards every day that comes? Am I no longer looking forward? It's the lack of passion. Maybe that's why this chapter of my life is so fast yet so forgettable.

On my usual weekly stop at the gas station, this lady hands over a raffle ticket which I got from purchasing a certain amount. My eyes lit up as I saw the first prize: a ticket to Universal Studios Singapore.

My Singapore trip suddenly flashed before me bringing in a wave of good vibes. I loved that trip. I loved the feeling of being in a foreign land, in a totally new world. I marveled at all the simple things and ofcourse, the great things I saw in Singapore.

As I drove away, I daydreamed about future holidays. Maybe that's what I need. I overheard on the radio that there were some cheap tickets to Boracay available. I imagined myself alone in the beach, gazing at the afternoon sun. Maybe there's a hint of romance on that vacation. Maybe not. Either way, just maybe. The thought of just maybe is enough.

I reached the office parking lot and sighed as I turned off the engine. I opened the door and bursted back into the routine of my life of just-maybe's. I took one last look at my raffle ticket through the windows before I walked towards the entrance.

Daydreaming helps me get through.

Why the long face?

My friends and I just had drinks at Cocktails & Dreams, a bar we usually go to during weekdays. The others decided they wanted to splurge on some fast food before going home, so off we went to the 24-hour McDonald's round the corner.

As he put down his tray, a friend asked me, "Why the long face?"

I looked up at him and didn't realize my expression was sad. I looked sad! Worried. Stressed. Why the long face? The question lingered in my head as I failed to say something witty.

"Come on, man." he started, in his best supporting actor voice. "When I was young, I dreamed up of this life we're living now. We're earning. We can go out any night we want. We're 'bachelors', man!"

He was right. We all have great personalities. We have promising careers. We are young. We had some money. We are healthy. We had active social lives. We take killer pictures in certain angles. And earlier that night, we made plans for physical activities to keep trim: boxing the next day (as one of us is a boxing coach), and then a game of badminton the day after that. We were practically living "the life" we see on TV!

So why the long face?

That night, we took some pictures of our trip at McDonald's and uploaded it in our Twitter and Instagram accounts. I took another look at our pictures and I smiled.

Yes, my job is stressful and keeps my mind occupied almost all the time. Not to mention fears for the future. But I realized then that there is nothing to worry about as long as I have these guys.

Hello again

It's been almost two months since my last entry. I guess there have been some whirlwind events in my so-called life--some worth remembering, some worth forgetting.

I've actually re-activated my social media accounts which makes my previous blog entries pages of bull crap. But seriously, it feels I have been on both sides of the fence. Totally detaching myself from people was one thing, and reimmersing after a "media blackout" is another.

I have better appreciation of the social media now. I think I am a better user and consumer this time around.

It's actually healthy especially if I have fits of anger that I don't know where to channel. Rather than grabbing that big bag of potato chips, I'd just tweet my anger shamelessly to my less than 30 twitter followers. (Yes, I had to set up a totally new account which nobody likes to follow anymore.)

Apart from my big social media comeback, I've been exercising everyday for a month now, which contributed to my mental well-being, apart from the physical results (if there are any).

I no longer loathe myself for eating that extra serving as I know I can burn it off anyway. I am more confident and driven and happy with this new "lifestyle". I drive hurriedly from work everyday to engage in my afternoon workout while listening to my favorite CD's.

I no longer feel the need to lash out at others, as these are merely my self-loathing and insecurity being channeled as irrational hate towards others. It is true that when we appreciate ourselves, we no longer have to step on other people's feelings.

And this is all because of exercise. After I finish a session, I feel a sense of accomplishment. Although I know I'm not the Zen-type of guy who emanates inner peace and positivity 24/7 like a yoga teacher would, I feel I'm in a much better place. I still have issues but I know it's not one step forward and two steps back this time.

First day

This is my first morning in Singapore. Well, my first morning anywhere overseas.

Our plane landed at midnight and I couldn't keep myself from bouncing up and down my seat as I saw the city lights down below. 

The Changi Airport looked more like a mall rather than an airport, with highend stores stretching for more than 2 km which we had to walk to get to the Arrivals Hall.

An hour later, we checked out of the airport and met my friends' brother who have been waiting for us for two hours. We rode a 20-minute cab ride to Teban Gardens (where he lived), and I saw almost two-thirds of the city. Tall buildings, clean roads, landscaped gardens swept through the cab windows as I leaned over left and right to have a better view. 

No, I'm no longer in the Philippines, alright. 

Off to SG

I am writing in this in the Departure Lounge of the Diosdado Macapagal International Airport in Clark, Pampanga.

In a matter of hours, I'd be in Singapore. Very exciting. Although the immigration people were quite skeptical that I would just be staying with my friend's brother. They were asking for something more of a hotel reservation or a letter of invitation from the person we're staying with. I guess they're suspecting I'd be a stow-away in the city. We weren't aware that such documents are needed.

"I love my job here in the Philippines, thank you very much." I indignantly said as the officer inquired about my work information here, probably to make sure I wouldn't be going to Singapore to look for a job.  

We just shrugged as they said, "Next time ha."

Now looking around the airport makes we wonder where people are going and why they're leaving. You can immediately tell apart those going away for vacation and those going away for work.

The ones going on vacation look all quirky and bubbly, wearing cargo pants or short skirts. Worn like a necklace are their cameras, and the playful banters with their families and friends would just keep on coming.

Those who'd be going away for work are the serious ones, bordering on gloomy and bored. Quiet. That's just the vibe. They look as if they've been travelling in and out of the country for a hundred times. They'd immediately fall asleep even before the plane goes for take off.

The airport is a place full of wonder. There's a story behind every arrival and departure.

I wonder what's going to be my story.

Notes about my song entries in Philpop

Last May 9, I successfully submitted my two entries for the PhilPop songwriting competition I've been blabbing about. These songs that I've submitted are entirely new songs, never heard by the public or uploaded in the internet.

SAME WAY

This is a mid-tempo ballad which could have easily fit in today's pop music stations. At least that's how I deluded it sounded like.

Performed by Suzette Soyangco, a young vocalist who I've came across with in local music competitions I've attended as judge, and some events I've hosted in. Suzette has also entered some competitions on TV as a kid, and after hearing some YouTube covers of hers, I immediately wanted to work with her.

The lyrics of the song had been lying around my keyboard stand for several days. That's where I leave unfinished compositions which I know I have to finish sooner or later. I know I didn't intentionally branded the song as competition material, but once I've put in the melody days after the lyrics were rewritten and completed, I knew the song had potential.

I played the song to a friend of mine with my guitar and he said, "Is that an original song?" That signalled that the song was beyond me, and that song had to be my entry.

I produced the instrumental track of the song for two days, giving it a modern pop feel, slightly reminiscent of my original sound in "Gabi Na" (my 2008 album) but mixed with elements that are accessible.

Suzette did wonders with "Same Way". Her vocals provided soul that the song badly needed, as well as a touch of teenage hopefulness. I saw her jumping up and down and shrieking with delight as we listened to the final mix of the song after recording for two hours.

I loved how the song turned out. If this song does not win, I am and will always be proud that the song is part of my catalog as a songwriter.

SIMULAN NA 'TO

This song was written for 20 minutes without any guitar or keyboard accompaniment- a first feat for me as a writer. With just a hook I suddenly sang out of nowhere, the lyrics poured across my notebook and the melodies for the rest of the song was born.

If "Same Way" is a modern-sounding track, this one could be classified as adult contemporary. It's very easy to listen to with it's percussion and acoustic guitar accompaniment. My friend Conrad sat for one session to add guitar licks and (wait for it...)a distortion guitar lead. This was also the first track that I produced that is built around an acoustic guitar. No synthesizers and any other distracting sounds.

A vocalist named Leo, whom I've seen perform in the Bataan Pop Idol finals night last February, sang the song. I knew his voice would be right it. Although it could have been easily performed by any vocalist, as this track is very simple, the idea of working with Leo is something that I had been toying with. Recording this track gave me a chance to do that.

Mervin Dungao, a singer who introduced me to Leo, did the backing vocals together with me. The song ended up sounding like a 90's guitar ballad, such as "More Than Words" or an outtake from Noel Cabangon's acoustic album, "Byahe".

This song holds a special place in my heart as the lyrics are the very opposite of my cynical stance in romance and relationships. Nonetheless, creating the song made me realize that subconsciously maybe I am still rooting for L.O.V.E.

***

And so far, that's the lowdown on my song entries. I am hoping, with the eagerness of a child and the confidence of an artist, that I make it to the finals.

If in case it doesn't, I know I won't be dismissing my songs as failures, but as creations yet to be discovered.

Oh crap, I just hope I win. Grrrrrrrrrrr

All up for grabs

There’s this Japanese restaurant that we went to last weekend that had unlimited sushi. It’s called Sakae Sushi, located at Mall of Asia. You can have all the sushi and maki that you want for only 400 pesos.

Lon and Mina were with me in our table, while my brother and Mom were in another.  Each plate costs 60 pesos to 100 pesos when you don't avail the 'eat-all-you-can' offer. Us three made sure that we’d eat more than the sum of the individual prices of each colored plate.

With our stomachs incredulously full of white rice and raw fish, our grand total was 2200 pesos but we only paid for 1200. It was well worth it, although we noticed they put in huge rice portions so that you’d feel fuller with less production cost on their part.

Will I eat there again?

Yes. But not until another six months. I think I had too much sushi that day.

That’s the thing with ‘eat-all-you-cans’. There’s no more eagerness or excitement to pounce because everything is all up for grabs.But when there’s chase, it seems more rewarding and enticing.

Just saying…

And a song is born

Right after I wrote the previous entry, I stood up and started humming a tune, then the words started forming in my head. I picked up the first notebook and pen I could find in the house and lied in bed to finish the song.

It's the first song I wrote without a guitar or keyboards, relying solely on the melody line.

The song is called "Simulan Na 'To", which I firmly believe would be my second entry to the PPOP (a maximum of two entries per songwriter is allowed).

Now I just need a session guitarist and a vocalist who could more properly interpret the song. 

I had tears running down my cheeks as I listened to the demo I recorded an hour later.  God, I hope the song makes it to the finals. It's one of those songs the judges can't ignore... *crossing fingers*

Another songwriting competition

Last February, a friend sent me a link about this songwriting competition called 'Philippine Pop Music Festival”.

                                                            http://www.philpop.com.ph/ 

One of the contest rules stated that the songs submitted shouldn't be previously published. In their definition, ‘published’ means it has never been uploaded or made public before, or shared with a third party for licensing. This caused quite a dilemma because most of the songs in my catalog that I deemed "best" and "good enough" are already published, in that case.

I’ve been procrastinating for the past months about coming up with a new song, until the deadline (May 10) dangled in front of me. I kept thinking, the song hasn’t arrived yet in my psyche, so it’s not yet time. I declared I was still uninspired. (Artists have this crappy excuse when they're too lazy to sit down and create something.)

Until one faithful Thursday night, I picked up some old lyrics in my small home studio and my guitar. And it just came. The song is called “Same Way””, a pop ballad about confessing one’s love to someone and hoping they feel the ‘same way’.'

I had to take a day off from my job to work the next day to arrange the music so that it’s ready for vocal recording. I contacted Ms. Suzette Soyangco, a well-known singer in Bataan who had previously joined singing competitions in TV as a kid, to record the song one of these days.

I just know I wouldn’t get to live with the fact that I wasn’t able to submit anything.

So here I am, hoping Suzette would work wonders with the song and the judges of the competition would feel the demo we’re going to produce.

For crying out loud, they said they wanted pop. Now, I’m going to give them pop. Super pop.

Hopefully, I’d hit the jackpot with the song. The next couple of days would be me basking aglow with anticipations, expectations and dreams of being a world-renowned songwriter. Tralalalalalala. 

In my head, my dream life after the competition consists of only the most simple things: a bachelor’s pad in the city, a new black car, a modern & well-equipped recording studio with two staff engineers, a personal assistant or secretary, and song writing offers from agents here and there.

Oh, have I gone out of the limb. I’m writing this and I’m wearing my worn-out shirt without having brushed my teeth yet. My wallet's empty and I just had cup noodles for breakfast. 

The steak

Yesterday, I prepared the steak which I promised to serve to my friends later at the beach. Of course, with the help of the recipe guide which my sister e-mailed to me. 

I served some of it over dinner last night so Mom and my brother could try it. Lo and behold, the taste of which is what it’s supposed to taste like! Although a bit salty, Mom said, but at least…. right?

Here’s a picture of the prepared steak ready for grilling.  

This steak brings so many memories of family dinners. Dad would remind us to save the night because we were going to have a “special” dinner. These dinners usually happen at least once every two months, whether there was a special occasion or not. Come late afternoon, as the sun started to set, Dad or Papa Tony would already be grilling the meat which Mama Jeany prepared the day before.

I’d stop whatever it is I was doing to go outside and sniff. So fragrant it was because of the aroma brought by the fusion of herbs and spices, a little splash of beer as it grills… those scents immediately make me want to turn back time. 

Dad would usually set aside a very rare cooked piece which he knows I love.  After dinner, we’d be so full and satisfied as we share insights about life, politics, religion and stories about ourselves, friends or relatives.

The reason I felt so eager about serving the steak to my friends is because this was the centrepiece of our family bondings. And maybe the reason why I think it’s so good is because I got to eat it with family. As they say, even the simplest meals could become the most filling and satisfying ones especially if you have it with loved ones.

Thank you Mama Jeany and Dad for always making sure that we had these special dinners. It was so good. And the food was really delicious. 

Small steps

Early in the morning, waiting in my cellphone inbox was a message from a friend that read, “I love you, ha!”.

I read this as soon as I got up from bed to check my messages. That text brought a smile in my face and served as reminder that people like my friend still exist.

This friend of mine just wanted to remind me, platonically, that she loves me. And that’s it. That’s just what she needs me to feel. That she loves me. Knowing her, she probably thought, “I need to remind my friend that I love him.”

In this fast-paced, cynical, sarcastic world we live in, saying ‘I love you’ unexpectedly, just like what my friend did, can melt the icebergs wrapped around the coldest of hearts.

Years ago, I must admit, that majestic sunsets can make me sniffle and my niece’s cute socks can make me cry (and I don’t know why). But after some crappy quarter-life experiences, it’s hard to feel any poignant sentiment towards anything lately. I even took down my social networking accounts, for crying out loud, because I was too “annoyed” and fed up with everyone’s heart’s outpouring, dismissing them as irrelevant (see previous blog entry “Hi Friend”). This just showed how cynical and indifferent I got.

Until that text.

That text slightly opened my heart again and got me thinking about ‘last times’.

When was the last time I really enjoyed a sunset? Or a sunrise?

When was the last time I hugged a friend who needed it?

When was the last time I enjoyed a dessert or a carb-rich dish without obsessing how many push-ups it would require me to burn it afterwards?

When did was the last time I listened to a friend’s story without making judgments even before he or she finishes telling it?

When did saying ‘I love you’ start being so hard and gauche, or even unreservedly callow?

And when did it start being OK to use the thesaurus?

Oh, I’m sorry about that last one.

But seriously, all these musings alarmed me about how far I’ve driven myself in the negative spectrum just to feel safe.   

When did I become so in a hurry?

When did I stopped enjoying myself?

When did I become so guarded?

When did I stop letting people in?

After a short while, I replied to my friend, “I love you, too” and got ready to start another day at work, hopeful that I’d be able to put the answers to those hard questions in action. One step at a time.

Looking forward

Last night was the first night I got to go out ever since I took down my Twitter and FB. I've had the opportunity to ask "What you've been up to?" as I really have no idea what everybody's been thinking or feeling lately.

During dinner at our favorite hangout (the name of which I'd rather keep anonymous, but it pretty much rhymes with my nickname as everyone would use to call me at the streets and not the two-syllable nick), we talked about how friendships change and how relationships should be nourished through quality time with each other. We figured, if you fail to really spend time, the friendship would evolve and you'd eventually grow apart. Your childhood friend will ever be a childhood friend, and your college buddy is someone you can't be buddies with anymore.

At least that's how I remember the conversation went. I was too busy downing the beef shawarma and beer. So much for being attentive. Hahaha  <-- I swear if you have to put hahaha in a paragraph, it's not good writing.

This prompted us to make sure our beach plans on Friday would materialize. The others had already asked permission from their mothers and I think everyone's good to go. One of us was tasked to find the place we would be staying at overnight, one is in-charge of driving, while I volunteered to prepare a steak dinner.

I suddenly remembered that I took pictures of how our family steak was prepared. Mama Jeany had shown me how to do it a year ago and I used my cell phone camera to document it. Without the pictures, I don't remember how it's made. I just remember its flavorful, juicy, nostalgic taste.

That's the thing with learning by example. When you demonstrate something (especially to someone like me who has the attention span of a six-year-old), chances of it being recalled isn't as big as when you let the student do it by himself. I think it's called experiential learning, or lazy grade school teacher.

I've really got to check my cell phone's memory card for it. And when I do, I should post the pictures of it here.

I'm excited about our beach trip. It's always nice when you have something to look forward to.

Lament

I’ve got to be honest. I’m very sad about my decision of leaving social networking. There is no handbook that can tell me how to get through this ‘experiment’ of mine. I just know I’ve got to stand by my decision otherwise I’m just going to be the boy who cried wolf. People are going to think this is just a stint to get attention.

I think this is my way of proving something to myself after letting myself down many many times. This is a battle that I’ve got to fight on my own. Just me and me.

There comes a time in a man’s life that he’s got to go it alone. And with all the communication that’s available in the medium, you still got everyone else.

My brother said, when I announced that I’m leaving social networking sites, that I was “turning into Dad.” He’s pretty much ‘the introvert’ and he tends to shut down people from his life. I wondered if I’m heading the same track. I also wondered about the motivation for my decision.

I just know this is right. This is what I know is right. Even if it’s so scary sometimes.Overwhelming. Last night, I actually dreamt of a flood. If you look up flood for dream interpretation, it means that you are nursing emotions that you can’t handle. This is one of those emotions.

 I feel I lost people. And I’m going to lose more in the process in this semi-solitary confinement.

They say, no man is an island. But maybe I just have to be an island for a while. I’ve got to let the tears flow. There’s so many times I’ve escaped and now there’s no more hiding.

I’m still grieving for my dad’s loss. I’m typing this and I’m crying my eyes out. It’s been two years but I feel I still can’t say goodbye. I still see him everywhere. I feel him within, in every decision I make. In every unspoken word. In every bridge burned. In the stillness and in the noise. Is he proud of the person I am now? Does he approve of my decisions?

I’m still grieving for my Mama Jeany’s loss. I’ve only got to visit her twice when she got cancer and I feel I had been so selfish for not giving her time. For not wanting to talk about what she’s going through when her body started to grow weak because I didn’t want to share the pain she’s feeling. I was too busy living in my own tralalala wonderland that I failed to reach out.

And now it’s too late. I’m never going to ask the questions I wanted to ask. I’m never going to hear the stories that they needed to tell. I feel I’ve only got to listen to half of their stories, and only got to know them halfway because I was so afraid to hold onto people who are going to say goodbye anyway.

A few weeks back I visited her husband, Papa Tony, and he talked about my Dad and Mama Jeany, because they were all best of friends. I listened to their lives when they were younger. It was so sad to hear these stories because Dad and Mama Jeany are no longer around. I can sense Papa Tony’s sense of loss and despair and I didn’t know what to do with it. Every happy memory he shared sent tears to my eyes which I tried to hold back otherwise there'd be two grown men sobbing that night.

I don’t know why I’m blabbing about these things. For Christ’s sake, I only took down my social media accounts.

Maybe, this is the real life that's waiting for me. Just me and my four walls. No audience. Just me and my words. And my words speak a tremendous loss which I’m still recovering from…

Is anyone listening?

Hi friend.

Two days ago, I came to an epiphany that my Facebook and Twitter accounts are causing me more stress than pleasure in keeping them. This was triggered by certain events that led me to burn bridges with friends because of those social media rather than nurture connections through it.

 I miss the feeling of wondering what my friends and family are up to. I miss the feeling of missing someone because honestly, I feel I am with the person I'm following in Twitter, 24/7, especially if this person tweets every action they do or every little senseless thought that crosses their minds...those I'm not really interested in. But since I'm following them, I feel I am oblidged or pushed to absorb everything. This led me to grow tired of those social media.

In Twitter and in Facebook, everything is rolled out: every picture, thought, update, opinion or location is shared that there is no room for "wonder". It's like receiving postcards even if the person is not on holiday or the person is really not close to you. It also feels like I am in a middle of a park where every friend has a podium, and they're all speaking at the same time.

Everyone is just blabbing, sometimes, like a crazy person because they're the only ones who can understand their thoughts or "what's in their minds". The reason why we listen is because we are interested. But when someone talks and talks, just like when someone carelessly posts, I feel don't need to care or pay attention. Beyond that, when the messages they send causes me stress (like insulting posts, rude comments), I'd think, "I don't f*cking need this."

So, thank you for about four wonderful years for following me in Twitter and befriending me in Facebook, together with all online activity that comes with it, like liking, commenting, favoriting, mentioning, etc. I feel nostalgic when I think about the good old days of the internet when everyone was so nice and unassuming. But those days are long gone...probably by the time when everyone ridiculed a beautiful thirteen year old for singing a song called "Friday", and when everyone became "keyboard samurais" as my friend said in describing people who are very brave and cocky in the internet but are in fact losers in real life.

I will get to catch up with you in a more interpersonal way, through text, call or even through a cup of coffee or buckets of cold beer. We would have so much to talk about because you didn't know about my recent hiking adventure through Facebook and my ah-huh moments in Twitter. I'd have so much to ask you because I didn't know your baby kicked for the first time and that while in the elevator you suddenly remembered your ex.

I will no long follow, or lurk in Facebook land, peering over other peoples' lives. No longer would I be obliged to absorb messages that are not really for me.

If you want me to know what you're up to or what you're feeling, find a way to reach me and not share it to the rest of your friends list. And I'd do the same. I'd let YOU know. That's why I only share this blog address to those who I believe would be genuinely interested. Rest assured, my posts here are those that I really want to share with you, from my heart and my sober mind.

I am taking this personal revolution because I want to discover myself and the people in my life again, not in front of the computer screen, but through more sincere, personal means.

I feel much better already by saying these out loud. I hope to see you soon.

Singapore, Here I Come!

It was one of those days when you're not looking forward to anything, and your home town is as mundane as another episode of Glee (which I believe most people would disagree with, but I don't care. I just find it so boring. All the tralalala singing and the witty one liners has lost its novelty).

During the usual Sunday breakfast with mom and my brother, I blurted out. "A friend of mine is going to Singapore."

"Really? That's nice." Mom said, as she put another cup of rice on her plate. Sunday is her cheat day.

"I think I'm going to join him."

After saying it out loud, I never really thought of going. I suddenly felt nervous and excited. Maybe this was the novelty I'm looking for. I've been whining about how boring my life is yet I never really did something about it.

An hour and a half later, mom gave me my passport which I've never used. She had kept it in her "vault" where she kept all documents filed under "I don't think this would be used."

I blew away the cobwebs and dust on my passport and readied my worn out credit card to book my flight based from my friend's itinerary. Later that day, I had a reserved round trip flight to Singapore.

Before taking my lazy pig Sunday nap, I daydreamed of meeting new people in Singapore, running in the morning, touring in the day and drinking sessions in the evening. Can't wait.

Good Friday 2012

I just realized that this blog resurrects around the Holy Week. Just like old friends who suddenly show up after being unavailable all throughout the year. I'm talking about me.

I finally got to meet up with my old buddy Ian. After going to 9 churches (Bisita Iglesia) last night and having a late snack at Beanery 2 with family, he went around the house for an hour of talk and beers. It was already 1 am by then.

I also realized then that there was so many things we needed to talk about- jobs, his wife, how his marriage was going and so on. However at that moment, I guess we were comfortable not knowing and just hung out like old times. Vincent and Joseph were also there and we ended up watching some UFC videos much to my quiet disdain.

But it was all good, though a thought occured to me. How many more stuff would we leave unsaid until we realize there is nothing more to talk about? Would the witty banters and small talk be enough?

I also realized then that maybe I was not being emotionally available by not feeling the need to catch up.

Maybe it's because we haven't hung out for so long that there was this inevitable gap between us that can only be bridged by time. Time together and not time apart. Friendships are involuntary, I've heard somewhere. It shouldn't be forced, as it will be rekindled eventually.

I guess that's the price we pay when we don't nurture our friendships with quality time. We suddenly feel a bit disconnected.

Last night may not be quality time for me and Ian but it's a start. Especially when I said, "Let's have another round of beer, shall we?"

I can finally sleep!!!

I'm writing this on an early evening after doing some weights and a hip hop abs session on DVD. That's how "unbusy" I am, and will be, this coming days.

The past few months have been a blur of late nights, late mornings and many stressful hours. I remember whining about this to my friends. When they ask me, "How've you been?", I'd go, "Really, really busy......"

So earlier today, as I stepped out of the building where I work, as everybody lined up to log out in the bondiclock, I didn't bother to say goodbye to colleagues whom I won't be seeing for 5 days. We only had to go to work for half of the day so I had the whole afternoon to sleep.

It was a hot afternoon and the sun glared through my curtains. Our househelp was doing laundry outside and I can hear her small radio playing softly. I fell into my bed, happy and tired. I finally can sleeeeeeep.