My friend Koko

Koko was given to us a few months back. Cute. Fluffy. Kind.

At first, he had his own cage outside the house. I never really took notice of him or cared about him. Until one super rainy day, I noticed how he was shivering from the rain and thought it was just inhumane to keep him out in that weather. I decided to take him out of his cage, and give him a proper bath so he can stay inside the house.

And so he became my dog after that fateful rainy day. At first, he stayed inside a small box but eventually I let him run around the house and sleep in my room. This was a first as I never really let dogs inside the house, let alone sleep in my room.

He’s such a playful puppy. He’d follow my feet around and never wiggled out of my grip when I hold him. He'd just stare adorably and then continue jumping up and down as I let him go.

He lies around and “observes” as I do mundane stuff in my room. Watching TV. Eat. Playing games on my iPad.

Although he’d suddenly get all excited when I would start doing my workout. That’s the time when he’d think of my feet as an opponent as I exercise. He’d playfully try to bite it and I swear I can still picture him in his stance as he stares at my feet as it does sprints in the room.

Every time I arrive from work, he’s such a doll. He's my "something to squeeze" because of his cuteness. Someone who’s awaiting for my arrival. Someone to keep me company.

And then I woke up today with a sorry text from my mom saying she ran over Koko when she was driving out of the garage.

Koko’s dead. It took a couple of tears before it sank. I know it was an accident...but I couldn't help but wonder, if only I had left him inside my room that night so that he didn't sleep at the garage.

I wish this was all a nightmare and I’d wake up to find Koko already had made a mess of the newspapers I laid out for him the night before. I knew I've lost someone dear. It felt that way. I never knew I had an attachment with Koko until now.

 Friends say I should look for a replacement. I shudder at the thought.

 There could never be.

Koko

Thanks Koko for bringing me back to life. I was almost completely dead before you came into my life. RIP.

Some kind of daydream

Today I woke up and had this figurative glue from my back and the bed. That glue also got to my eyes, as it was so hard to pull those lids apart.

I stayed in bed and tried to snooze for another few minutes.

Shit, I have to cook myself breakfast. 
Shit, the dog is crying. 
Shit, there's so much to do at work. 
Shit, I have to work out later because I had a few beers last night.
Shit, that feels like a headache.
Shit, I think I need to have coffee. NOW.

And so at five, four, three, two...I'm standing up.

Everyday was becoming more and more of a routine. I'd drag myself to the kitchen and see what the house help didn't cook for me. I was too polite to order her around so I'd end up doing the kinder-level cooking which I'd eat in a flash because it was neither to good to savor nor too pleasing to look at, so I'd just kill that ugly monster on my plate I call breakfast.
My workload in the office was becoming heavy that I found it difficult to start the day ala-Nescafè .

I stayed up late with friends at the bar to talk about plans, plans, plans...and then what?

Is this what they call growing up? Wake, eat, shower then dress up for work? Zombie driving to the office while listening to mindless jazz music on the radio? Taking the edge off everyday with cocktails to cap off the day?

If this was a Hollywood movie, this is the part where the main character begins to become redundant and the viewer wants to just stop watching because it takes too long to reach an interesting plot twist.

Maybe it's the lack of a crush.

I kind of blurted it out over lunch with colleagues. Out of nowhere, I announced, "I literally don't have a crush right now." Two of my crushes turned me off over the past few days because it's either they said all the wrong things or I've accepted they aren't really interested. Butterflies out, in comes the emotional black hole.

Maybe I'm also lacking a crush towards life? A crush towards every day that comes? Am I no longer looking forward? It's the lack of passion. Maybe that's why this chapter of my life is so fast yet so forgettable.

On my usual weekly stop at the gas station, this lady hands over a raffle ticket which I got from purchasing a certain amount. My eyes lit up as I saw the first prize: a ticket to Universal Studios Singapore.

My Singapore trip suddenly flashed before me bringing in a wave of good vibes. I loved that trip. I loved the feeling of being in a foreign land, in a totally new world. I marveled at all the simple things and ofcourse, the great things I saw in Singapore.

As I drove away, I daydreamed about future holidays. Maybe that's what I need. I overheard on the radio that there were some cheap tickets to Boracay available. I imagined myself alone in the beach, gazing at the afternoon sun. Maybe there's a hint of romance on that vacation. Maybe not. Either way, just maybe. The thought of just maybe is enough.

I reached the office parking lot and sighed as I turned off the engine. I opened the door and bursted back into the routine of my life of just-maybe's. I took one last look at my raffle ticket through the windows before I walked towards the entrance.

Daydreaming helps me get through.

Why the long face?

My friends and I just had drinks at Cocktails & Dreams, a bar we usually go to during weekdays. The others decided they wanted to splurge on some fast food before going home, so off we went to the 24-hour McDonald's round the corner.

As he put down his tray, a friend asked me, "Why the long face?"

I looked up at him and didn't realize my expression was sad. I looked sad! Worried. Stressed. Why the long face? The question lingered in my head as I failed to say something witty.

"Come on, man." he started, in his best supporting actor voice. "When I was young, I dreamed up of this life we're living now. We're earning. We can go out any night we want. We're 'bachelors', man!"

He was right. We all have great personalities. We have promising careers. We are young. We had some money. We are healthy. We had active social lives. We take killer pictures in certain angles. And earlier that night, we made plans for physical activities to keep trim: boxing the next day (as one of us is a boxing coach), and then a game of badminton the day after that. We were practically living "the life" we see on TV!

So why the long face?

That night, we took some pictures of our trip at McDonald's and uploaded it in our Twitter and Instagram accounts. I took another look at our pictures and I smiled.

Yes, my job is stressful and keeps my mind occupied almost all the time. Not to mention fears for the future. But I realized then that there is nothing to worry about as long as I have these guys.

Hello again

It's been almost two months since my last entry. I guess there have been some whirlwind events in my so-called life--some worth remembering, some worth forgetting.

I've actually re-activated my social media accounts which makes my previous blog entries pages of bull crap. But seriously, it feels I have been on both sides of the fence. Totally detaching myself from people was one thing, and reimmersing after a "media blackout" is another.

I have better appreciation of the social media now. I think I am a better user and consumer this time around.

It's actually healthy especially if I have fits of anger that I don't know where to channel. Rather than grabbing that big bag of potato chips, I'd just tweet my anger shamelessly to my less than 30 twitter followers. (Yes, I had to set up a totally new account which nobody likes to follow anymore.)

Apart from my big social media comeback, I've been exercising everyday for a month now, which contributed to my mental well-being, apart from the physical results (if there are any).

I no longer loathe myself for eating that extra serving as I know I can burn it off anyway. I am more confident and driven and happy with this new "lifestyle". I drive hurriedly from work everyday to engage in my afternoon workout while listening to my favorite CD's.

I no longer feel the need to lash out at others, as these are merely my self-loathing and insecurity being channeled as irrational hate towards others. It is true that when we appreciate ourselves, we no longer have to step on other people's feelings.

And this is all because of exercise. After I finish a session, I feel a sense of accomplishment. Although I know I'm not the Zen-type of guy who emanates inner peace and positivity 24/7 like a yoga teacher would, I feel I'm in a much better place. I still have issues but I know it's not one step forward and two steps back this time.

First day

This is my first morning in Singapore. Well, my first morning anywhere overseas.

Our plane landed at midnight and I couldn't keep myself from bouncing up and down my seat as I saw the city lights down below. 

The Changi Airport looked more like a mall rather than an airport, with highend stores stretching for more than 2 km which we had to walk to get to the Arrivals Hall.

An hour later, we checked out of the airport and met my friends' brother who have been waiting for us for two hours. We rode a 20-minute cab ride to Teban Gardens (where he lived), and I saw almost two-thirds of the city. Tall buildings, clean roads, landscaped gardens swept through the cab windows as I leaned over left and right to have a better view. 

No, I'm no longer in the Philippines, alright. 

Off to SG

I am writing in this in the Departure Lounge of the Diosdado Macapagal International Airport in Clark, Pampanga.

In a matter of hours, I'd be in Singapore. Very exciting. Although the immigration people were quite skeptical that I would just be staying with my friend's brother. They were asking for something more of a hotel reservation or a letter of invitation from the person we're staying with. I guess they're suspecting I'd be a stow-away in the city. We weren't aware that such documents are needed.

"I love my job here in the Philippines, thank you very much." I indignantly said as the officer inquired about my work information here, probably to make sure I wouldn't be going to Singapore to look for a job.  

We just shrugged as they said, "Next time ha."

Now looking around the airport makes we wonder where people are going and why they're leaving. You can immediately tell apart those going away for vacation and those going away for work.

The ones going on vacation look all quirky and bubbly, wearing cargo pants or short skirts. Worn like a necklace are their cameras, and the playful banters with their families and friends would just keep on coming.

Those who'd be going away for work are the serious ones, bordering on gloomy and bored. Quiet. That's just the vibe. They look as if they've been travelling in and out of the country for a hundred times. They'd immediately fall asleep even before the plane goes for take off.

The airport is a place full of wonder. There's a story behind every arrival and departure.

I wonder what's going to be my story.

Notes about my song entries in Philpop

Last May 9, I successfully submitted my two entries for the PhilPop songwriting competition I've been blabbing about. These songs that I've submitted are entirely new songs, never heard by the public or uploaded in the internet.

SAME WAY

This is a mid-tempo ballad which could have easily fit in today's pop music stations. At least that's how I deluded it sounded like.

Performed by Suzette Soyangco, a young vocalist who I've came across with in local music competitions I've attended as judge, and some events I've hosted in. Suzette has also entered some competitions on TV as a kid, and after hearing some YouTube covers of hers, I immediately wanted to work with her.

The lyrics of the song had been lying around my keyboard stand for several days. That's where I leave unfinished compositions which I know I have to finish sooner or later. I know I didn't intentionally branded the song as competition material, but once I've put in the melody days after the lyrics were rewritten and completed, I knew the song had potential.

I played the song to a friend of mine with my guitar and he said, "Is that an original song?" That signalled that the song was beyond me, and that song had to be my entry.

I produced the instrumental track of the song for two days, giving it a modern pop feel, slightly reminiscent of my original sound in "Gabi Na" (my 2008 album) but mixed with elements that are accessible.

Suzette did wonders with "Same Way". Her vocals provided soul that the song badly needed, as well as a touch of teenage hopefulness. I saw her jumping up and down and shrieking with delight as we listened to the final mix of the song after recording for two hours.

I loved how the song turned out. If this song does not win, I am and will always be proud that the song is part of my catalog as a songwriter.

SIMULAN NA 'TO

This song was written for 20 minutes without any guitar or keyboard accompaniment- a first feat for me as a writer. With just a hook I suddenly sang out of nowhere, the lyrics poured across my notebook and the melodies for the rest of the song was born.

If "Same Way" is a modern-sounding track, this one could be classified as adult contemporary. It's very easy to listen to with it's percussion and acoustic guitar accompaniment. My friend Conrad sat for one session to add guitar licks and (wait for it...)a distortion guitar lead. This was also the first track that I produced that is built around an acoustic guitar. No synthesizers and any other distracting sounds.

A vocalist named Leo, whom I've seen perform in the Bataan Pop Idol finals night last February, sang the song. I knew his voice would be right it. Although it could have been easily performed by any vocalist, as this track is very simple, the idea of working with Leo is something that I had been toying with. Recording this track gave me a chance to do that.

Mervin Dungao, a singer who introduced me to Leo, did the backing vocals together with me. The song ended up sounding like a 90's guitar ballad, such as "More Than Words" or an outtake from Noel Cabangon's acoustic album, "Byahe".

This song holds a special place in my heart as the lyrics are the very opposite of my cynical stance in romance and relationships. Nonetheless, creating the song made me realize that subconsciously maybe I am still rooting for L.O.V.E.

***

And so far, that's the lowdown on my song entries. I am hoping, with the eagerness of a child and the confidence of an artist, that I make it to the finals.

If in case it doesn't, I know I won't be dismissing my songs as failures, but as creations yet to be discovered.

Oh crap, I just hope I win. Grrrrrrrrrrr