Lament

I’ve got to be honest. I’m very sad about my decision of leaving social networking. There is no handbook that can tell me how to get through this ‘experiment’ of mine. I just know I’ve got to stand by my decision otherwise I’m just going to be the boy who cried wolf. People are going to think this is just a stint to get attention.

I think this is my way of proving something to myself after letting myself down many many times. This is a battle that I’ve got to fight on my own. Just me and me.

There comes a time in a man’s life that he’s got to go it alone. And with all the communication that’s available in the medium, you still got everyone else.

My brother said, when I announced that I’m leaving social networking sites, that I was “turning into Dad.” He’s pretty much ‘the introvert’ and he tends to shut down people from his life. I wondered if I’m heading the same track. I also wondered about the motivation for my decision.

I just know this is right. This is what I know is right. Even if it’s so scary sometimes.Overwhelming. Last night, I actually dreamt of a flood. If you look up flood for dream interpretation, it means that you are nursing emotions that you can’t handle. This is one of those emotions.

 I feel I lost people. And I’m going to lose more in the process in this semi-solitary confinement.

They say, no man is an island. But maybe I just have to be an island for a while. I’ve got to let the tears flow. There’s so many times I’ve escaped and now there’s no more hiding.

I’m still grieving for my dad’s loss. I’m typing this and I’m crying my eyes out. It’s been two years but I feel I still can’t say goodbye. I still see him everywhere. I feel him within, in every decision I make. In every unspoken word. In every bridge burned. In the stillness and in the noise. Is he proud of the person I am now? Does he approve of my decisions?

I’m still grieving for my Mama Jeany’s loss. I’ve only got to visit her twice when she got cancer and I feel I had been so selfish for not giving her time. For not wanting to talk about what she’s going through when her body started to grow weak because I didn’t want to share the pain she’s feeling. I was too busy living in my own tralalala wonderland that I failed to reach out.

And now it’s too late. I’m never going to ask the questions I wanted to ask. I’m never going to hear the stories that they needed to tell. I feel I’ve only got to listen to half of their stories, and only got to know them halfway because I was so afraid to hold onto people who are going to say goodbye anyway.

A few weeks back I visited her husband, Papa Tony, and he talked about my Dad and Mama Jeany, because they were all best of friends. I listened to their lives when they were younger. It was so sad to hear these stories because Dad and Mama Jeany are no longer around. I can sense Papa Tony’s sense of loss and despair and I didn’t know what to do with it. Every happy memory he shared sent tears to my eyes which I tried to hold back otherwise there'd be two grown men sobbing that night.

I don’t know why I’m blabbing about these things. For Christ’s sake, I only took down my social media accounts.

Maybe, this is the real life that's waiting for me. Just me and my four walls. No audience. Just me and my words. And my words speak a tremendous loss which I’m still recovering from…

Is anyone listening?